Memento Mori
by exocara
Summary: When Tsuna was thirteen, he was approached by a strange man in a checkered mask. The man told him that he would die on his fifteenth birthday, for the good of the universe. No negotiations. Memento Mori, remember that you will die. One day, we will all die. When that day comes, will we be able to pass on without regrets?
1. Nyoom

**What the genre of this anyway**

* * *

><p>Memento Mori, a Latin phrase that translates to "Remember that you must die". It serves as a reminder that all of us are mortal, and that we need to keep that in mind.<p>

One day, we will all die.

Will we be able to pass on without regrets?

* * *

><p>The first time Tsuna heard his mother describe him as useless, it was a pretty huge blow for him. The second time was just as bad but, by the fifth time, he became used to it, just like he became used to everyone else calling him useless. Dame-Tsuna. That was who he was; a useless person who didn't contribute to society. Even if he disappeared, no one would notice.<p>

Insignificant. _Worthless. _

_(So useless that even his own mother would call him no-good.) _

With these thoughts in mind, he went to bed, unwilling to wake up tomorrow and face the beginning of his junior high school life at Namimori Middle School.

* * *

><p>Tsuna woke up in the middle of the night. His first thought was '<em>Why am I awake<em>', followed by '_There's a man in my room_', and finally '_There's a _man_ in_ my room_!_'.

He tried to open his mouth to scream, but no sound came out. The man was sitting on his chair, staring at him. Or at least, Tsuna thought he was staring at him. It was kind of hard to tell, with the checkered mask on the man's face and all, but the man _was_ facing Tsuna's general direction. They stared at each other for a while, the man unwilling to speak and Tsuna at a loss for words.

"Sawada Tsunayoshi," the man suddenly spoke, causing Tsuna to jerk in surprise, squeaking.

"Y-yes?"

"I'm here to tell you that you will die on your fifteenth birthday." There was a pause before Tsuna realised that the man was waiting for him to clarify any doubts.

"W-why…?" Why, of all the people in the world, did Tsuna have to die? Tsuna did nothing wrong… but then again, he did nothing right either. Maybe that was why he was chosen; someone who would make much of an impact on the world, whether he lived or died.

"Because you are the only one who can do it." _That_ was certainly not the answer Tsuna was expecting. He stared at the man with wide eyes, silently imploring him to continue. "Once in every few hundred years, someone with unimaginably high and pure flames will come into existence on this dying earth. Through a sacrifice, the earth would be able to absorb their flames and continue to live. This time, that person is you, Sawada Tsunayoshi. The earth's life lies in your soul."

It took a while for Tsuna to process that. _He_ was important, irreplaceable, and the fate of the earth rested on his shoulders. His life. He couldn't believe it. "You must have the wrong person. I'm just Dame-Tsuna; I can't be as important as you say I am."

"There is no mistake, Sawada Tsunayoshi, descendant of the ninth sacrifice, Sawada Ieyasu."

"Sawada… Ieyasu…? No, wait, that's not important. What if I don't accept?" The man looked a little displeased at Tsuna's question.

"Then all life on earth will die," he replied flatly. There was a sharp intake of breath as Tsuna realised that there was no way he could get out of this.

"But, I don't want to—" _die._ Tsuna cut himself off before he could finish the sentence. It was true that he didn't want to die – because who would? All human beings were afraid of death, after all – but it was either him or the rest of the world. He thought about his mother and her warmth, the beautiful girl in his school and her bright smiles, the faces of his classmates whom he didn't really know but was suddenly all too aware of. Everyone had their own complex life, their own problems, their own _future_.

Everyone around him was living their own unique life, and they were not just background characters for Tsuna's own story. It wasn't fair for them if Tsuna, due to his selfishness, decided to let everyone die. And besides, Tsuna wasn't going to contribute much to the world if he continued to live, so why not die and protect the smiles of the people around him?

He didn't want to die, but he didn't want everyone else to die too.

Besides, it was nice to know that he had a purpose in this world, a role to fill. That he wasn't just a useless waste of space.

The man seemed to know that Tsuna had accepted his fate and nodded in acknowledgment. "Normally," he began. "I would wait for you to reach late adulthood, so that you could live a fruitful life, but there is no time." Tsuna closed his eyes and sighed. There was a strange, bittersweet feeling in his chest.

"Okay. Thank you for telling me." A warm sensation made itself known on the inside of his right wrist and Tsuna saw that there was a strange marking on it.

_7³_

"Thank you, Sawada Tsunayoshi." Tsuna blinked and suddenly the man was gone. He blinked again and then there was darkness.

* * *

><p>Tsuna woke up the next day, on his first day of school at Namimori Middle, to see a marking on the inside of his right wrist. He closed his eyes and pushed down the urge to sob.<p>

"So it wasn't a dream after all…"

* * *

><p>There were a lot of things that Tsuna regretted.<p>

He was thirteen and he was to die when he was fifteen. A day ago, two years seemed like a long time. Now, it wasn't enough.

"Tsu-kun! It's your first day of school; you can't be late!" His mother walked into the room, hands on her hips and a stern look on his face. Tsuna stared at her blankly. What would she do if he died, he wondered. Nothing much, probably. She called him useless after all. Maybe she would be happy that she wouldn't have to deal with such a useless son anymore. Now that Tsuna had thought of it, he realised that one of his regrets was that he wasn't a better son for his mother. He wanted to be a son she could be proud of.

Two years… he hoped that it would be enough.

* * *

><p>"Mum, do you want anything?"<p>

"Mum, do you need my help with anything?"

"Mum, I'm going to the store. What would you like me to pick up?"

Something can caused her son to change. Before, Nana had to nag Tsuna into doing anything but lie in bed and read comics. Now, she saw that he had been putting his comics aside to study and help her with household chores. He had even cleaned his room! Something had happened – a miracle, perhaps – and it seemed that her son had finally started to put in effort in his life. Nana should be happy; this was what she wanted after all.

So then, why did she feel that something was wrong?

* * *

><p>"Tsu-kun, are you happy?" A strange expression had flitted over Tsuna's face when Nana had asked the question, before a pensive look settled on his features.<p>

"I…" he finally answered slowly. "I'm happy to be able to spend time with you, mum. It's nice to be able to…" The strange look flashed across his face again as his voice hitched. "To be able to live."

Nana didn't know what to say to that. She remembered what she had said to Tsuna just a week before.

"_Tsu-kun, I'm not saying that you _have_ to get into a good college or university or anything. I just I want you to live feeling that it's great to be alive!" _

She knew that Tsuna wasn't lying but, ironically, she couldn't feel happy about this change. It didn't matter if Tsuna did well in school or not, she realised. It didn't matter if _she_ was happy or not. She just didn't want to have to see _that look_ on Tsuna's face.

"Mum?" Tsuna's voice startled her out of her thoughts. "You should leave now if you want to get to Fujikawa-san's home on time for the gathering."

"Do you want to come with me?" Nana asked. She didn't feel right leaving Tsuna alone in the house like that. Tsuna gave her a weird look.

"No, it's fine. You usually go alone after all. It'd be weird if I suddenly showed up." Tsuna's nonchalant words were like a stab to Nana's heart. That's right, Nana normally just went out alone, leaving her son behind. Tsuna never spoke up about it, and Nana never thought to give it much thought, but she suddenly realised that it had been a long time since she had spent time with her son. _Actually_ spend time with him, not just eat dinner together in silence.

She couldn't even remember what his favourite food was anymore.

"And besides," Tsuna continued. "Fujikawa-san doesn't like me all that much. I'm Dame-Tsuna after all." He gave an amused laugh at that while Nana froze up. It… didn't feel right to hear her son call himself useless. He was _her son_, after all. The light of her life, one of her most important people.

_But didn't you call him that as well?_ A voice in her mind whispered. _All the time, you called him useless and no-good. What kind of mother are you, to call him those names so easily._

"No. I think I'll stay here," she decided. Immediately, a concerned expression settled on Tsuna's features.

"Oh, do you not feel well? Are you sick? Do you need me to get anything?" Nana shook her head, cutting through Tsuna's near-panicked state.

"I just want to spend the day with you, Tsu-kun."

"Spend… the day with me? But why?" his utterly confused look broke Nana's heart. Was it really so strange and foreign for him to think that someone wanted to spend time with him? Just what had happened to make her son so insecure?

She forced a cheerful smile onto her face. "No reason, I just wanted to!"

"I… Thank you…" The tears that spilled over onto Tsuna's cheeks caught both him and Nana by surprise, and Nana's heart broke all over again. Silently, she resolved to be a better mother for her son.

* * *

><p>Tsuna had a crush on a girl in his class. Her name was Sasagawa Kyoko and she had a beautiful, innocent smile. He had been in the same class as her since he was in kindergarten, but he never really had the courage to approach her. It was even worse now, seeing that she was the school idol and he was a social pariah. It was an unspoken rule that social pariahs shouldn't interact with the top of the social hierarchy. Why? Tsuna didn't know. Things just was. However, with his new outlook on life, he began to question it. There was no reason he couldn't talk to her, after all. What was stopping him? Society's constructs on the rules of popularity? Who cared about that.<p>

He was going to die in two years. What else did he have to lose?

* * *

><p>"Sasagawa-chan. I like you." Kyoko stared at the boy in front of her. She knew who he was – who didn't? – but she didn't <em>know<em> him.

"I'm sorry, Sawada-kun, but…" It was hardly the first confession she had received, but something was different about the way Tsuna said it. Perhaps it was because he didn't ask her to go out with him?

"I know." Kyoko could tell, from the very beginning, that he didn't believe he had a chance.

Kyoko knew that people got hurt and sad when she rejected them, and that she couldn't make everyone happy, but there was a strange quality to Tsuna's sadness that Kyoko wanted to wash away.

Then, Tsuna smiled at Kyoko and took her breath away. "Thank you for giving me an answer," he told her, gratefulness in his voice, before he turned around and walked off.

"Wait!" Kyoko called out, but Tsuna was already gone. She puzzled over her reaction. Why did she want Tsuna to stay? Did she… like Tsuna after all?

…Well, it was another problem for another day. She had time to sort out her feelings, after all. It wasn't as if the two of them would be going anywhere in the next few years.

* * *

><p>Tsuna's English teacher walked in one day to cheerfully announce that she had gotten in touch with her friend from Italy and they would be carrying out a pen pal program. It would be to improve the students' grasp of the English language as it was the only common language they had with their pen pal. Since it wasn't compulsory, Tsuna didn't feel like participating in the activity. It seemed troublesome to have to write in English to someone he didn't' even know but…<p>

_What did he have to lose?_

It would be nice to make new friends, especially someone who didn't know him as 'Dame-Tsuna'. And it was also a good way to improve his English. He didn't want to do badly for his tests, after all. It would disappoint his mother.

* * *

><p>A week later, he started his correspondence with a boy with the pen name <em>Orchidea Bianca<em>. Apparently, it was Italian for white orchid, _Byakuran_. Tsuna decided to go with an Italian pen name for himself as well, and called himself _Decimo_, which meant tenth. It was rather fitting, considering that he was the tenth sacrifice for this earth.

And so, Tsuna found a new, and rather odd friend, in _Orchidea Bianca_. And he was happy.

* * *

><p>Bullies were a problem in every school. With Tsuna being, well, Dame-Tsuna, there was no surprise that they would hone in on him. Tsuna's first few weeks at Namimori Middle were blissfully bully-free, as everyone was still settling into the middle school system, but once they got used to the school, the bullying started again. If Tsuna was who he used to be, he would just submissively lower his head and take the abuse. However, he was different now. Life was short, <em>way<em> too short for him to live with his head down. And really…

_What did he have to lose?_

With that thought in mind, he straightened up and regarded his bullies with a sort of calm a person had right before they died. He didn't really know what to say to them, but he _did_ remember certain Italian phrases _Orchidea Bianca_ had taught him. They were nothing much, just basic conversational things, but Tsuna reckoned that anyone would feel a bit intimidated if someone talked to them in a language they didn't understand.

Sure enough, the bullies backed off, confusion and alarm in their eyes. Tsuna felt a strong sense of accomplishment. He had always wanted to stand up for himself, but was too afraid to do so. In hindsight, Tsuna found himself rather amusing. There might be repercussions for his act tomorrow, but today he was happy.

He hadn't been this happy in a long while.

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><p>There were a lot of things Tsuna regretted. However, he was steadily working through them.<p>

He was thirteen and he was to die when he was fifteen. Two years was definitely not enough time, but there will never be enough time so Tsuna just had to make do with what he had.

Sawada Tsunayoshi had made sure to plan out his life, so that he could leave the world and die without regrets.

It was too bad that the arrival of a baby hitman ripped that plan to pieces.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note<strong>

I have left this extremely open-ended because there is an off chance that I might continue it. i have the ending planned out, but just that.

**Explanations**

So basically, once every few hundred years someone with really pure & strong flames would be born. This person's sacrifice would allow the earth to continue to live (because trinisette). However, it only provides for around 200~300 years, so the remaining years, something needs to be done to sustain the earth. Hence, arcobaleno. However, it's only a temporary solution as there are not enough flames. Therefore, when Tsuna was born, the arcobaleno of his generation was getting weaker and Checkerface needed either arcobaleno replacements (not recommended) or a sacrifice.

Yeah, Giotto was the sacrifice before him. In this storyverse, Giotto died around 30ish. He left Vongola knowing that he was about to die and with the betrayal and all, he was like "wow great opportunity. I don't have to tell anyone that I'm going to die and can just quietly disappear somewhere." His will still exists in the Vongola rings, though, because it's just will. No flames.

**Other notes**

I don't like the way I wrote this. Tsuna's become a woobie ugh. Also, I know the true meaning of Memento Mori, remember you will die, is for people to stop practicing vanity and cease putting so much importance in material objects but i like this one better.


	2. Noot

**This is not K27.**

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><p>"I am Reborn," the baby had said, "And my real job is to make you a mafia boss."<p>

Tsuna didn't know what to think. Him. A _mafia boss_. What a laughable idea.

He brushed his left thumb against the mark on the inside of his right wrist. It served as both a reminder and a warning. A reminder that he would be leaving this earth soon… and a warning to not get attached to anything, to not commit too much, for he will merely be leaving it all behind.

_(Memento Mori, remember that you will die.) _

Becoming a mafia boss, ethical issues aside, was still something Tsuna wouldn't do. Something Tsuna _couldn't _do. He had a plan, a near perfect plan for the next two years – one and a half year now – of his life, and becoming a mafia boss _wasn't_ part of that plan.

He shouldn't, wouldn't … _couldn't_ _afford_ it. And so.

"No," he refused firmly. "No, I can't be a mafia boss."

"Can't or won't?" Reborn challenged, an intimidating glint in his eyes. Tsuna wasn't swayed in the slightest.

"Cannot and will not," he told Reborn.

"I will not fail in my task," Reborn threatened. Tsuna nodded, acknowledging Reborn's words.

"I cannot fail," he replied evenly, and that was that.

* * *

><p>Reborn was frustrated with his new charge.<p>

"Sawada Tsunayoshi," the reports provided, "is widely known as 'Dame-Tsuna' among the students of Namimori Middle School. His test scores for all subjects average out to seventeen and a half marks. He can only go up to the third level of a vaulting horse, and he can't even spin on a horizontal bar."

It wasn't wrong, but it wasn't quite right either.

It was true that Sawada Tsunayoshi was very much lacking in both the academical and physical field, and he certainly wasn't too popular with his peers, but…

But the reports said _nothing_ about this.

Sawada Tsunayoshi moved with head held high and his eyes incredibly clear. It was obvious that he lived in neither the past nor the future, but right in the present. Almost frighteningly so.

And that made it incredibly risky to use the dying will bullet. Too risky. This meant that Reborn had to find another way to invoke his student's dying will flame.

That was fine, if a bit irritating. Reborn was resourceful and creative enough to find a way. He wouldn't give up on a task just because things didn't go according to what he had planned. He would adapt, refine his plans, and tackle the situation once again.

He was good at adapting. As an Arcobaleno, he had to be.

* * *

><p>"You have a crush on her," Reborn observed. Tsuna paused for a moment before he gave a chuckle.<p>

"Am I that obvious?" he asked in a self-deprecating tone. Reborn tilted his fedora so that a shadow fell over his eyes mysteriously.

"I can teach you how to win her heart, you know," Reborn said, and was startled when Tsuna started to laugh good-naturedly.

"I'm sure you can," he said, and there was no sarcasm in his tone. Tsuna wasn't mocking him, and wasn't that strange? "But Sasagawa-chan won't like me in that way. Also, it's rude to keep on pestering her when she has already rejected me."

Reborn wasn't surprised, no matter what anyone would have said. Surprise meant that he had failed in predicting how someone might react, how _Tsuna_ might react, and Reborn doesn't fail.

"You've already asked her out?" Reborn made sure to keep his voice as level as usual. Tsuna nodded.

"Of course. I don't want to regret not saying anything when I still have the chance, after all." Tsuna seemed darkly amused at his words, as if he was enjoying some sort of twisted inside joke. His choice of words didn't escape Reborn's notice either.

"_When I still have the chance." _

Those words, along with the tone Tsuna had adopted, made alarm bells ring in his head.

"Besides," Tsuna continued, unaware of the turmoil in Reborn's mind. "It's just a crush. Just a small, little crush on the first person that was ever nice to me. In the long run, in the big picture, it won't matter." He shrugged and Reborn could actually see that he believed in his words, and wasn't just saying it to make himself to feel better. Reborn had to admit that it was rather unnatural for a thirteen year old to have that sort of mindset, to be able to detach himself from his life like that.

_Too unnatural_, Reborn thought to himself. _Something must have happened._

He needed to have a word with Sawada Nana later.

* * *

><p>Nana didn't know a thing. She told Reborn that one day, Tsuna had just started to act like this. Before, he behaved exactly how Reborn had predicted him to be but apparently, one day, it just… happened.<p>

It was impossible for such a large change to occur overnight, but it did. During the span on the nine hours Tsuna spent in his room, his attitude towards life had been drastically altered.

But how did it happen?

Reborn toyed with theories and possible explanations of Tsuna's abrupt change as he walked around the school in search of possible hideouts he could surprise (startle) Tsuna with. So far, he had already transformed the areas behind some firehoses into rooms he could use to observe the school population for potential guardians.

That was when he caught sight of a black haired boy confessing to Sasagawa Kyoko. Footsteps came around the corner and a familiar tuft of brown hair came into view just as Mochida finished speaking.

"–so will you go out with me?"

Reborn carefully observed Tsuna's face, but only saw polite disinterest. His footsteps didn't falter as he walked towards Mochida and Kyoko. Even when Kyoko's eyes nervously darted towards Tsuna when she refused, Mochida, Tsuna never looked their way. It was almost as if they were strangers to him.

And then Mochida took a step towards Kyoko. "Do you already have someone you like?" When Kyoko shook her head, he pressed on. "Then why don't you like me? I'm smart and athletic and popular. I'm a nice guy, too; I've done so much for you, don't you think that's a little ungrateful of you?

Tsuna stopped walking.

"Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear you guys," he began in a conversational tone. He didn't turn to face them, and Reborn could see that Tsuna was shaking slightly. Was he shaking in anger? Reborn studied Tsuna's carefully emotionless face and saw that, no, he wasn't shaking in anger. He was shaking with nerves and fear.

He was afraid. He was afraid yet he was confronting Mochida Kensuke.

This wasn't something 'Dame-Tsuna' would do, judging from the looks on Mochida and Kyoko's faces.

Tsuna then turned to face them, face still blank and hands still shaking. "I didn't want to bother you guys, but I can't just watch this. Mochida-senpai, Sasagawa-chan doesn't owe you anything, no matter your behavior towards her, or your treatment of her."

Mochida narrowed his eyes and turned towards Tsuna. "You're just trying to play the hero because you like Kyoko-chan!"

Tsuna blinked and raised an eyebrow. "I'm not playing hero. I'm just doing the right thing." Mochida spluttered and his face turned red from anger. Tsuna's own face clouded with apprehension and he took a step back. His movement, small as it may be, caught Mochida's eye and the black haired boy took advantage of this moment of weakness.

Mochida moved towards Tsuna, Tsuna moved away. Reborn frowned. He would have to train Tsuna to be able to stand his ground in the face of an intimidating opponent.

"Why don't you just leave, Dame-Tsuna, before something bad happens?" Mochida raised his fist threateningly and Tsuna let out a squeak, the blood draining out of his face. Reborn knew it was an empty threat, Mochida Kensuke didn't have it in him to truly, deliberately, harm another student, but Tsuna obviously couldn't tell that.

Reborn readied a dying will bullet in his gun.

At that moment, Tsuna's eyes locked with Kyoko's and he must have seen something there for he closed his own eyes and willed himself to stop shaking. His lips were moving and Reborn strained to catch Tsuna's muttered words.

"_What do I have to lose?"_

When Tsuna opened his eyes, they were a bright orange, the exact shade of the dying will flames of the sky.

* * *

><p>After the entire incident, Tsuna had taken one look at Mochida's defeated form on the floor, and his eyes turned back to brown.<p>

He didn't look at Kyoko when he gently lifted Mochida into a standing position, and supported him to the nurse's office. Reborn thought he wouldn't take too long, so he left school to wait at home for his student.

Tsuna came back hours later. When Reborn asked, Tsuna told him that he had spent time talking to Mochida Kensuke, the same Mochida Kensuke that had been incredibly hostile to him only moments ago. Tsuna had managed to talk to him and acquire him as an ally in under an hour, and transformed him from a vague ally to a loyal friend in the time after that. It was terrifying, and Tsuna wasn't even aware of what he had done.

He would make a good mafia boss, and Reborn told him so. It made Tsuna grimace.

"I'm not going to be a mafia boss, Reborn."

"You have to," Reborn insisted. "You're the only one left to fill the position. Vongola will fall without an heir."

Tsuna stared at Reborn, with blank, uncomprehending eyes. "I don't understand, Reborn," he said, honest confusion in his tone. "Why would you think I care about Vongola?"

"You—" Reborn began, but Tsuna wasn't finished.

"I don't know a thing about Vongola. I have a plan, a plan of my life that I need to carry out, and Vongola isn't part of that plan. I'm sorry, Reborn, but you'll have to find someone else to be the Vongola Decimo."

And _that_ was that.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's notes<strong>

I don't like this chapter but I decided I should give it a go anyway. This just happened when I was trying to rewrite another fic. I'm wary about posting this online because it might not live up to the standards of the first chapter.

This does not mean that I will definitely be writing this universe.

(And it begins, my conflicting characterization of characters. Tsuna is selfish, yet not at the same time. Also, he has an incredibly unhealthy detachment from the world around him, including himself, seeing everything as just one part of a big picture. Basically, he's becoming like Kawahira. Or at least, I'm trying to write it that way)

(Also, does anyone notice the chapter title of this and the previous one? It's been like this from the start)


	3. Scheduled for a rewrite yo

**Tell me what I'm doing wrong, please. This Tsuna feels wrong.**

* * *

><p>Gokudera Hayato was a fourteen year old boy that Reborn had called over from Italy.<p>

Gokudera Hayato was a fourteen year old _hitman_ that Reborn had called over from Italy.

"The new Vongola heir is… different," Reborn told him. "He is around your age, though, so I'm asking you to come over and test his worth."

Since Hayato had nothing to do in Italy – who in the world would hire a half-blood pianist, after all – he accepted Reborn's request.

* * *

><p>Hayato had planned out an elaborate story in which he was an ambitious young Mafioso who had been told that he could become the next Vongola heir if he were to kill the current one. If the current heir was the least bit worthy, he would try to defend his position, no? And that would lead to a battle between the both of them that would allow Hayato to test the heir's physical ability. All in all, he would be able to cover everything ask of him through this plan.<p>

Of course, it was blown to pieces when it came into contact with one Sawada Tsunayoshi.

"You've found the next Vongola Decimo? That's great, Reborn!" the boy smiled serenely. "Ah, but killing me… Isn't that a little too extreme?"

"That's how it is in the mafia world," Reborn said, fedora casting a shadow over his face. Sawada rolled his eyes and turned to Hayato.

"I'm sorry, Gokudera-san." He was clutching his right wrist in a strange manner. "But I can't die today. I know, for a fact that I can live for longer… I _have_ to live for longer than this."

Hayato quickly regained his composure. "It doesn't matter," he said, trying to carry out Reborn's request. "Because you will die here." Immediately after that, Hayato threw some of his dynamites towards Sawada.

Sawada's eyes widened and he let out a strange sort of shriek as he dived out of the way. The dynamites hit the ground and exploded, blowing a small crater into the earth. Sawada stared at the crater and the smoke rising up from it with large, fear-filled eyes.

"Wha- what are you…?!" His gaze snapped to Hayato. "Y-y-you… what?!" he spluttered out. Hayato scoffed. How pathetic.

"I'm serious. I'll kill you," he said with a glare. Sawada continued to stare but something seemed to be shifting within him. A strange look crept into Sawada's eyes as the boy tilted his head to the side and smiled.

He looked rather amused.

"I apologise, Gokudera-san, but I cannot allow you to kill me."

It was a strange, vague thing to say, and Gokudera couldn't help but have the impression that Sawada was making fun of him. It made his blood boil.

"Double bomb!" he yelled out as he tossed more dynamites at Sawada. Sawada watched the dynamites fall with an unnerving air of detached calm around him as orange slowly bled into his eyes.

And then, in a blur, he was gone.

* * *

><p>"A move that would kill the user if there was even the slightest mistake… Are you that desperate to kill me?" Tsuna stared down at Gokudera. He wondered if he should feel afraid, knowing that there were people out there who wished for his death so badly, that they would sacrifice their own lives to ensure the end of his.<p>

Tsuna thought about the man in the checkered mask, if he would intervene to prevent his death, if Tsuna were to somehow die before the stipulated time was up.

Then Gokudera told him the reason behind his actions and Tsuna's mood plummeted.

He wanted to cry and yell and scream into Gokudera's face, to ask him just _why_ he's being so damned careless with his life when he, when he _had_…

Tsuna closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He exhaled as he forced his fists to unclench.

"You shouldn't be so careless with your life," he finally said. He thought it was a good compromise for this thoughts and his manners.

When Gokudera said, "I place my life in your hands," Tsuna couldn't help but laugh.

An idiotically reckless person wanted to leave his life in the hands of a useless boy who was waiting for death. Now wasn't that ironically hilarious?

"No way," Tsuna refused in between bouts of laughter. "No way are you going to be my subordinate. I'm not going to be a mafia boss, after all."

"Having the loser serve the winner is a family rule," Reborn tried to say. Tsuna just waved him off.

"Sorry, Gokudera-san," Tsuna said. "But there's absolutely no way you're going to be my subordinate. You should go find someone who's better than me. It shouldn't be too hard. The same goes for you, Reborn." Tsuna turned to move back to the school, totally missing the utterly stricken look on Gokudera's face.

"Realy…" Tsuna's laugh faded away and the smile on his mouth straightened to a grim line. The mark on his right wrist seemed to burn. "Why can't you people just let me live my life in peace…?"

* * *

><p>"Oi Sawada." Kensuke greeted the brunette with a nod as he tossed a canned drink towards him. Sawada caught it without any difficulty.<p>

"Yes, Mochida-senpai?"

"I heard that there was a transfer student in your class. He kicked down your desk." Kensuke tried his best not to look murderous. He didn't quite succeed. He was just lucky that Sawada seemed more interested in sipping from his canned drink than making conversation, or he would most definitely have been found out.

"Yeah, that was Gokudera-san. I don't think he's going to do that anymore, though." Kensuke didn't understand how Sawada could act so damned calm all the time. Surely there would be something that would be able to ruffle his feathers and make him get angry at someone for once in his life.

Sawada was far too patient and forgiving towards everyone, especially to the ones who didn't deserve it. The ones like Kensuke.

"Mochida-senpai… I think I did something wrong." Sawada suddenly spoke. Kensuke frowned at the younger boy's self-deprecating tone.

"What did you _think_ you did wrong?" Kensuke asked. Sawada didn't say anything for a while, staring at the can in his hands. Just as Kensuke was about to prompt him once again, Sawada replied him.

"I didn't care for the feelings of someone else. I was too caught up in myself to notice."

_Is that even possible for you?_ Kensuke wanted to ask, but he kept his mouth shut. Sawada was asking for help from him and, as Sawada's upperclassman, it was up to Kensuke to give him the appropriate advice.

"You could apologise," Kensuke suggested awkwardly. "And if they don't accept your advice… Well screw them. You don't need them."

At Kensuke's words, Tsuna jolted upright as if he had been shocked. And then he smiled at Kensuke, a smile that was just _wrong_.

"You're right, Mochida-senpai," he said. "Thank you."

* * *

><p>Tsuna didn't need Gokudera. He didn't need Gokudera or Reborn or Mochida or Kyoko. He wanted them, yes, but ultimately? He didn't need them.<p>

And they didn't need him either.

He had been worried, too afraid to forge bonds with other people in fear of leaving them behind. In feat what might _happen to them_ if he left them behind.

And that was the reason he refused to even hear Gokudera out, even when Tsuna had recognised the loneliness in his eyes and the desperate longing to fit in somewhere, _anywhere_.

Tsuna regretted it. When he had turned away, something in him screamed at him, told him not to, to reconsider. But he had ignored it.

However, it didn't matter now, now that he understood.

Life was fleeting, bonds were so easily broken… But they were a strong species. They could cope.

Human beings didn't need companionship from one another, so it wouldn't matter if Tsuna died. Those he knew would grieve for a week, maybe two, but life would move on. The sun would continue to shine for them, the earth would continue to spin. Their world was hardly going to fall apart if he were to die.

They didn't need him, after all.

* * *

><p>"Gokudera-san, I still don't want you to be my subordinate…"<p>

"…but I would like you to be my friend."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note<strong>

Still feels off. Oh well. I wrote this because I really wanna write Yamamoto and Tsuna.

I really can't write sad things and everyone seems to think that Tsuna's oh-so-great.

Lemme tell you something. The reason why Tsuna's so wonderfully patient and forgiving is because he doesn't care anymore. He's detached from society, from his own life, that he sees everyone's actions through a filter of sorts. Like he's looking through a screen. Not because he's a saint.

(It's easy to not feel strongly about something if it's not happening to you, after all.)


	4. Not the 80 chapter lol

**Thanks to all who have reviewed. You're the reason why this chapter exists. Like, literally. You inspired me to expand more on Tsuna's thoughts and here it is. I think. I hope it's alright.**

* * *

><p><em>Interlude<em>

* * *

><p>Tsuna remembered that he used to cry a lot. He would cry because the dog down the road barked at him. He would cry because no one wanted him in their group in class. He would cry because his mother went to meet her friends and left him in an empty house.<p>

It had been a long time since he had last cried. When the strange man in the checkered mask had told him of his duty, the tears stopped coming so frequently. Tsuna didn't mind, crying was a waste of time and energy anyway.

When all you have is two years, you had to make every second count.

"It's okay to cry, Tsu-kun," his mother told him once. "Crying relieves the stress we build up, it gives us a channel to let it out." Tsuna didn't know what kind of face he was making for her to say that but resolved to never make it ever again.

And so, he continued to bottle everything up inside.

* * *

><p>Tsuna was terrified of dogs, but he didn't want to be.<p>

He didn't remember where this irrational fear started, but he told himself he had to get over it. Life was too short for him to be afraid of dogs.

So, he asked his neighbour if he could walk their dog for them.

The first time was terrifying. Tsuna had frozen up in fear when the dog barked at him, making his neighbour laugh.

"Why did you ask to walk my dog if you're afraid of them?" they asked.

"Because I don't want to be afraid," Tsuna replied.

His neighbour had then given him a long look, as if they were seeing him in a new light. They seemed to like what they had seen, and nodded at Tsuna.

"When walking a dog, you have to be firm with them," they began, and Tsuna listened attentively.

Weeks passed and Tsuna soon became known as the person who would walk any dog. The neighbours started to pay him money for taking care of their pets, but Tsuna only smiled and refused.

They shouldn't be giving their money to a dead boy, anyway.

* * *

><p>Since Tsuna was going to die, he thought that it would be best if he made amends with his father. It wouldn't do to continue hating him, even in death, since Tsuna was going to join him soon.<p>

Tsuna's father was dead, so the only way he could make communicate with him were through letters that would never reach the recipient. Every week, Tsuna would write a letter to his father and place it in a black box on his table. He could tell that his mother was curious, but she never asked so he never said anything.

"_Dear father_," Tsuna would write. "_Today I..._" Then, he would end off with "_Wish you were here. I'll be seeing you soon. Love, Tsuna._"

Tsuna knew that he would never get an answer from his father, who had become a star, but this was the best he could do.

He hated his father, felt bitter that he was never there for their family, but Tsuna figured that life was too short to hold grudges.

* * *

><p>Orchidea Bianca was Tsuna's penpal. He resided in Italy and was very nice to Tsuna. Tsuna felt that he could tell him anything.<p>

So he did.

"_You're going to die in two years?_" Orchidea Bianca asked. "_Are you terminally ill? Is it a disease seemingly no one can cure? I can find a cure for you; my family knows someone who can counter almost any disease._"

"_Terminally ill? Something like that. But I can't be cured; I have to die_," Tsuna replied.

"_Have to die or want to die?_" Orchidea Bianca shot back. "_Because you seem incredibly resigned to your fate, almost as if you don't want to be saved_."

White hot anger pulsed through Tsuna, but the strength and energy it brought with it quickly left. Want to die? Was Orchidea Bianca insane? Of course he didn't want to die; no one did!

But... he had to die. He needed to die, so that the world could continue. He couldn't be selfish, he couldn't hope. Because if he had hope, he wouldn't want to die. Because if he hoped, everything would only hurt more when he had to leave.

He had to accept everything, he had to accept his death, because it was coming for him whether he liked it or not. Whether he was ready or not. He had to accept it, he had to, he _had_ to.

He couldn't feel bitter about things, he couldn't feel anger, he couldn't feel sorrow. He couldn't question it, he couldn't feel that it was unjust, he couldn't feel that it was unfair. He couldn't, he couldn't...

He couldn't...

"I... don't want to die..."

* * *

><p>He was crying. He shouldn't cry, but the tears just kept flowing. <em>It's a waste of time<em>, he told himself. _Please stop crying._ However, his body refused to listen to him.

Someone walked by. They paused and walked back to him. Tsuna stared at his feet, refusing to look at the stranger. It was embarrassing.

"Would you like some company, kid?" the stranger asked. Tsuna resisted for all of three seconds before he was spilling his troubles to them.

"I don't want to die," he ended in a whisper.

"Hmm, this is quite an issue you have here." The stranger crouched down beside Tsuna. "But small sacrifices have to be made to prevent bigger ones, so you have to be brave. Not to mention, your life is not just your own right now."

"My life... is not just my own..." Tsuna repeated and found that the stranger's words rang true. This life wasn't just his now. This life wasn't his now; it belonged to everyone that lived in this world and everyone who wanted to continue living. He couldn't be selfish.

This life wasn't his.

It was fine if he left this world. He didn't need to be sad. Why should he be sad if the universe decide to take this life he was living? It wasn't his to hoard.

The world seemed clearer now.

"Thank you, mister," Tsuna finally turned to face the stranger. The stranger smiled back at him, and his eyes seemed to glint indigo behind his round-rimmed glasses. He stood up, brushing the dust of his green yukata.

"It's no problem, child. I'm glad to be of service," the man said and walked off. Tsuna's eyes continued to watch him until his white haired figure disappeared behind the door of an antique shop.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note<strong>

i would like to make it clear that Tsuna's way of thinking is WRONG and if he continues, he will MOST CERTAINLY regret when he dies. He's doing what he thinks is right, what he thinks is the best way to finish off all his regrets. Which are basically normal, trivial stuff because he has little to no goals.

He's also lying to himself and shoving his will to live down because he believes the only way to go about this whole 'dying' thing is to not want to live in the first place. Or something like that, I don't really know how to explain it.


End file.
